There are so many other blog posts out there going over how to get over a break up. These are great, but this specific blog post is going to talk about break up advice that’s even more important than reentering the dating scene: Your own self-confidence.

I want to go over rebuilding your own confidence after a break up and the best 7 ways to do so. My bestie actually went through a recent break up (six years… ouch), so I’m writing a lot of this from the heart! I consulted with relationship experts, therapists, and my friend group to write this post. Let’s get into it.

1. Reconnect With your Body

It’s important to have a real sense of yourself. When it comes to break ups, we tend to think of that in terms of our emotional state. While that’s important, it’s also essential to reconnect with our physical state. 

Your body becomes a weird symbol of absence. One side of the bed is empty. There’s no set of arms to hold you. There’s a sense of intimacy that’s… gone.

But, no matter what, your body is still yours. Reconnecting with it on your own terms is one of the most powerful ways to rebuild confidence after a break up.

Here’s how you could start:

Movement!

You don’t need to go hard at the gym or commit to a marathon. Movement is about feeling your body, not straining it or punishing it.

Try:

• Stretching or yoga. Just 10 minutes a day could keep you in tune with physical sensations and release stored tension.

• Dance! Put on your favorite music and let your body move however it wants. No one’s watching.

• Go on walks. Fresh air. Slow strides. Reconnect your body with the atmosphere it’s in.

• Anything that makes you feel strong. You are capable of anything. Boxing, swimming, hiking, and so many other activities are great reminders of the incredible things you’re able to do.

The goal isn’t exercise (though it is an added bonus), it’s relearning the independence and power that your body has.

Reclaim Touch on Your Terms

This is where self-pleasure becomes more than just physical release. It’s an act of reclamation. Learn what feels good to you without thinking about anyone else. No worrying about someone else’s pleasure. That’s complete autonomy. It’s rebuilding confidence in real time.

We’re hugeeeee nerds at Chalovelo. When writing this blog post, I asked my team if we could dedicate some real budget to run some surveys. I’ll be referring to it throughout the rest of this post!

Okay, okay. Our survey data found that 42% of women experienced increased interest in masturbation or self-pleasure after a breakup. Many participants described it as a way to reconnect with their own desires. It’s not about replacing intimacy, it’s about remembering that your own sexual pleasure exists independently.

Listen to Your Body

This sucks, but you might notice:

• Trouble sleeping

• Changes in appetite

• Tension in your shoulders, jaw, or chest

• That “sinking heart” feeling in your stomach

• A lack of energy or motivation

• Physical symptoms of stress

It’s not just placebo. Our studies show that 31% of women reported physical symptoms from a lack of intimacy. Real proof that the body grieves too.

Rest when you need to. Move when you’re restless. Your body is processing this loss, too. The more you listen to it, the faster you’ll heal.

2. Rediscover Your Identity

Just like how it’s important to reconnect with your body, you have to reconnect with who you are. Sometimes your identity is all you have and you need to rediscover who you are before you can truly move on or be ready for another relationship.

A relationship is kinda just mushing your own life with somebody else’s. Once it’s over, you need to “unmush” your own life. You need to ask yourself, “Who are you when you’re not somebody’s girlfriend?”

Look, I know my independent ladies out there might do great at sustaining their own sense of selves while in a relationship. But no matter how independent you are, there’s always some part of you that you might have sacrificed for the sake of the relationship.

Think back to who you were before the relationship. Did you read more often than you do now? Maybe you were a bit of an artist? Or the life of the party at the bar every Saturday night? Whatever it was that made you you, it’s time to rediscover that part of yourself.

3. Reclaim Sexual Autonomy

Humans have a primal desire for a sexual partner. Your brain chemistry is literally altered when that partner is gone.

But here’s the thing: Your sexuality doesn’t belong to your relationship. It belongs to you.

The thing about a relationship is that sex (usually) becomes exclusive to one other person. It’s not your sex life anymore, it’s “our” sex life, and that’s totally fine. That’s a healthy part of any relationship. But when that relationship ends, it’s time to address your own sexual needs and desires.

Sexual autonomy means understanding that those needs and desires are entirely yours. Whether you’re in or out of a relationship. Here’s what that autonomy might look like:

• Exploring self-pleasure: This isn’t about physical release. It’s about learning what feels good to you. Not what you think should feel good or what someone else enjoyed.

• Reassessing partnered sex: Maybe you need a break from sex. Or, maybe you find empowerment in having sex with other people. You’re not chained down to a relationship anymore, go out there and see what you can find! Our survey found that 18% of women who engaged in post break up sex with other guys did so to reclaim their sexual autonomy.

• Experiment with new things: Orgies? BDSM? The world is your oyster.

Since we’re on the topic of self pleasure, I’m going to go ahead and insert a quick shameless promo…

We’re Chalovelo, a bunch of nerds who quit our jobs to make sex toys. We just dropped the LipSip sex toy, a discreet suction vibrator that’ll suckle on your clit like there’s no tomorrow. You DEF need to try it out. It’ll blow your mind. Plus, it just looks super cute!

4. Set Boundaries and Honor Them

Okay, time to talk about something that makes us a bit uncomfortable. Hard boundaries.

It’s soooo tempting to send your ex a text when you’re out with your girls and feeling a little tipsy. DON’T DO ITTTT.

Sit down and set your boundaries when you have a clear head and when you’re confident on what healing looks like for you. If going to your local dog park reminds you of a painful memory with your ex, then make an effort to avoid that area. Or if you feel like you need to check your ex’s Instagram account, then it might be best to just block them.

It’s easy to set boundaries. The hard part is actually honoring them. My trick is to just do it in little steps.

Don’t drive by your ex’s street for 24 hours. Or don’t eat a meal that reminds you of them for a week. Try to avoid rereading old text messages for a few days at a time.

Eventually, you’ll be able to revisit old memories without feeling an overwhelming sense of pain or longing.

5. Challenge the Negatives

Everything seems to be bleak after a break up. Rainy days are rainier and sad songs sound sadder. But can we try to challenge the negatives?

Instead of thinking “I’ll never get over this,” you can think, “I’ll get over this soon.” It’s not about pretending your emotions don’t exist, it’s about acknowledging them and understanding that they take time to process.

Optimism doesn’t mean being happy all the time. It’s knowing that there’s a light at the end of a dark tunnel, no matter how long that tunnel may seem.

6. Create New Experiences

Now that you don’t need to do things with a partner, you have the ability to go out there and create special memories. Memories that belong to you and only you. Try out new hobbies. Go on that trip you’ve always wanted to go on (to the place that your ex didn’t want to go to).

Go to a concert alone. Try making a new dish. Everything out in the world is waiting for you.

7. Feel. Everything.

You are human and you deserve to act as such. If you take anything away from this post, it’s that your emotions are important and valid. Feel absolutely everything.

Sob your eyes out. Ride the highs of a really good day. Get bored by yourself and find comfort in that boredom.

Forget Men. There’s Chalovelo.

One last shout out to the best sex toy brand in the world. This lipstick vibrator is just toooooo goooood to go unnoticed.